For Collins
by EloraCooper4
Summary: Roger sings a song for Collins' at his funeral and finds himself overcome with memories.


Note: Thanks a lot for all of the great feedback that you guys gave me for "I'll Be Waiting". This is yet another dying in RENT fic, I know happy. Once again I don't own RENT nor do I own the song "Hear You Me" by Jimmy Eat World (though I wish I did I've been in love with this song for ages). Also this isn't meant as a slash but you can definitely see it that way if you like.Reviews are always loved, constructive criticism please!

For Collins

Roger slowly walked up to the altar running one hand threw his hair, the other hand fastened to his guitar. He turned around to the congregation gathered…although it wasn't a real congregation. There was the group. Mark stood stoic as always not allowing himself to cry. Maureen buried her head in Joanne's chest, both women sobbing. A few people from Life Support came as well, as well as a group of about ten unfamiliar youths. Some were crying heavily, probably the first death they experienced. Roger sighed wishing that this was his first. Clearing his throat he tuned his guitar quietly. When it was tuned correctly Roger said, "This is uhh…I wrote this song last night. In one night. And those of you who know me….know how odd that is." Mimi smiled lightly her misty eyes more on the casket than on Roger.

"But he has…had…the ability to do that to me. Make me get off my ass and do something." He looked down at his guitar for a moment and then glanced behind his shoulder.

"This is for you Collins." Roger started to strum a strong but solemn song.

_There's no one in town I know_

_You gave us someplace to go_

Roger sat on a bench in Central Park strumming his guitar. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a woman toss a half eaten hotdog in a garbage can. When the woman was out of site Roger jumped up and thrust his hand into the garbage can hoping the hot dog didn't touch anything that would contaminate it. He was in luck. With a smile on his face he engulfed the hot dog in his mouth, his eyes rolling back in his head.

"Hot dog-gasm?" A deep voice asked.

Roger turned around to see a tall and muscular black man. He was wearing a trench coat and shiny black boots. Mrs. Eileen Davis warned her son about men like this who were either out to steal your stereo or mug you. But Roger was pretty sure this man was safe. He had never seen a mugger with a warm smile.

"Huh?" Roger asked part of the hot dog hanging out of his mouth.

The man chuckled, "You just seemed to be enjoying that hot dog a little too much. Haven't eaten in a while I assume?" He went into his pockets.

Roger watched the man carefully, "Not really…" He finished up the hot dog

wondering if this guy was going to leave him alone or not.

"You play?" The man asked motioning with his head towards the guitar.

"Yeah." Roger said watching him continue to go through his pockets.

"Ah ha." The man pulled out a card from his pocket. It was crumpled. And a few things were written on it in a small scribble. "Then I assume you are a…young musician running away from home, not knowing a damn soul in the city…and trying to make ends…meat." He chuckled to himself, "Just so happens that I got an extra room in my apartment. Unless you got a place of your own."

Roger just stared at the man for a time amazed that he had pretty much described the youngster's life for the past month. He managed to say, "I…no…but I don't have any money."

The man laughed hard, "If I wanted money, kid, do you think I would ask a man who just jumped into a garbage can for a slimy second hand tube of processed meat?" He gave Roger the card and pointed, "There's the address. If you're interested drop by. If not, no harm, no foul. We got food too…not much of it but some…okay we have cereal and expired milk." He chuckled again. Watching him Roger had to smile, but in the back of his head he had to wonder if this guy was real or not.

"Well, man, I'll see you later…maybe…good luck." The man patted him on the back and pulled out a joint which he was soon smoking. Roger watched him walk away and looked down at the card. Well it was someplace to go.

_I never said thank you for that_

_Thought I might get one more chance_

Roger knocked on the door, his arms wrapped around his guitar. The door opened to show a younger black man who seemed much more put together than the man from before. A frown spread across his face and he looked over Roger. He nodded to himself.

"Collins your bum is here." He opened the door and pointed to the larger man pouring some Rice Krispies into a bowl.

The man, apparently Collins, smiled deeply, "Hey there. Want some?" He asked holding up the box of the cereal. "We can throw it at Benny and make him clean it up later." Roger had to smile once again and nodded walking towards the kitchen area. Benny sighed and sat down reading a schoolbook.

Roger quietly ate his Rice Krispies, he wanted to say thank you to Collins. But right now his hunger was more important. He'd have a chance later on. Collins had that same warm smile on his face as he mumbled, "Welcome to the loft, hot dog. May it bring you many bowls of cereal."

A strawberry blond boy stumbled out of a room yawning. Collins chuckled pointing to him, "And this here is Mark."

"Another one of Collins' bums." Benny said without looking up from his book. Collins took a paper cup and chucked it at Benny's head.

"Ow!" Collins smirked pouring another bowl for Mark and looked at Roger, "You two will get along just fine." Mark just yawned and waved at Roger.

_What would you think of me now?_

_So lucky so strong so proud_

Collins wandered into the loft's living room and frowned. Roger was sprawled out on the couch just staring up into space. His guitar was on the other side of the room a slight film of dust descending upon it. Collins wiped his face and sat down on the side of the couch. "You know…you can't let one bad review get you down." Roger didn't even blink in response.

"I mean…you got as far as CBGB's…musicians dream of just getting there. And you got there. And it really was Andre's fault. Not yours…"

Roger finally broke his silence mumbling, "He messed up the back beat…me as the front man should have told him to restart and get it right."

Collins shrugged, "You were nervous. Who wouldn't be….You do have to get more balls though. Speak up for yourself in that band. Like you said you're the front man, smack the whip. You can't stand there looking like a deer in headlights..." He ruffled his friend's hair. Roger just groaned and closed his eyes.

"Fine. Just sit there and sulk. Just remember Davis you gotta take pride in what you do. Or there isn't a reason for doing it at all, is there?" Collins got up and went into the bathroom to take a shower. Roger listened to the shower for a time and then his eyes wandered over to his guitar.

_I never said thank you for that_

_Now I'll never have the chance_

Collins came out rubbing the top of his head with a towel. He smiled to see Roger strumming the guitar. Roger didn't raise his head, refusing to give his friend the satisfaction that he had something to do with Roger picking it up again.

"More confident?" Collins asked.

"Workin on it." Was Roger's simple reply.

_May angels lead you in_

_Here you me my friends_

_On sleepless roads the sleepless go _

_May angels lead you in_

Roger dropped his bags the moment he walked into the loft and kicked them towards the coffee table. Just getting back from a gig he was on a high. That high was a result from a few drugs as well as his love for music…and a new girl named April. He didn't expect to find anyone to be awake. Mark would be asleep in Maureen's arms if she had decided to stay the night. Benny would be fast asleep his eyes hurting from all of his reading. Collins would be stoned out of his mind and passed out on his bed. But he wasn't.  
Collins sat on the couch his head in his hands. At the moment Roger just wanted to walk off to his bedroom and forget that Collins was ever there. He knew something was wrong, and Roger's day had been too perfect. The moment he offered help it would crash down upon him, he knew it. But his loyalty got the better of him.

"Collins?" He whispered putting his hands in his pockets. The rocker stayed where he was just watching his old friend. "Collins…."

"I'm positive." Collins mumbled back without taking his head out of his hands. Roger furrowed his brow and looked around the loft for a moment as if he expected to find an explanation written on the wall.

"Positive about what?" Roger asked back.

Collins finally sat up to reveal he had been crying. A knot started to form in Roger's chest, he'd never seen his friend cry before. He was the strong one who held everyone else when they cried…Collins never cried. Until now.

"What Collins…"

"HIV." His voice broke, "I found out this morning…couldn't stop walking. Not til 2 am." He pulled out the paper from his pocket, the same pocket that once held the address of the loft. Tossing the paper at Roger, Collins wiped his face with the back of his hand.

Roger took the paper and stared at it for a time. It was clear. There was no maybes or possibilities. His friend had HIV. The disease that seemed to be running through the streets of New York City, had hit home. Roger heard all of the horror stories, all of the warnings. But he never thought it could touch his friends.

"Shit…"He whispered, "Was it Roman? That asshole, I told you he was an idiot Collins I'll go find him and beat his-"

"Roger." Collins stopped him, his hand held out, "Just stop. It doesn't matter who I got it from. I have it. That's the end of it." He leaned back into the sofa and muttered, "I'm gonan die, Roger." The rocker just stood there the reality hadn't really sunk in. Now it did. Collins wasn't going to live to a ripe old age. He wasn't going to be there…one day he would be gone. Collins was going to die. Roger tried to swallow his saliva but was unable to. He walked over to the older man and wrapped his arms around him. Collins melted into Roger's arms.

_So what would you think of me now_

_So lucky so strong so proud_

Roger locked himself in his room. He had left everything to Mark. Meeting the police, explaining how he found April. Who she is…who she was. Roger buried himself under his pillows not sure what to feel. Should he hate April for leaving him? Or hate the drug dealers for giving out dirty needles? Or for giving him HIV? But then again he could have given it to her. There were so many questions left unanswered by a piece of paper. Apparently she had expected that paper would explain it all. But it didn't. She knew Collins well. She saw him live with the disease. Why couldn't they do the same? They would have each other. It would have been enough.

A soft knock made Roger jerk slightly.

"Go away Mark." He called out from under the pillow.

"It's me." Collins' gentle voice answered. "C'mon Roger let me in. Or I'll just break down the door…you know I can do it." Roger sighed closing his eyes. After a few moments of silence, Collins pulled out the hinges on the door and moved it over. He walked in and sat down on Roger's bed.

"Fuck off." Roger growled pulling his head out of the pillow and glaring at Collins. But the older man wasn't daunted.

"I just did all that work…no way in hell I'm going anywhere." Collins said quietly staring into Roger's green eyes and offering them no way out. Roger just shook his head, "Leave me alone Collins. I don't want to talk, I don't want to heal…I just want to…"

"What wallow?" Collins asked with a frown, "You'll live Roger."

"Not for long!" He shot back. "You of all people should know that." Roger knew that even though his friend was strong, it wouldn't last forever. Collins looked down at his hands for a moment. He sighed and pressed his lips together.

"Yeah I suppose I do…it wasn't fair. What she did to you. It was selfish." Roger laughed bitterly sitting up in bed.

"Now you go on and pick on my dead girlfriend. How considerate!"

Collins watched Roger's face for a moment, perhaps realizing that there was nothing he could really do now. No words could be offered that would make him ok. This wasn't like before.

"You're strong Roger. You will live. You can hold off the HIV. And you can kick the drugs. You can make it through the withdrawal." Collins said very confident in every word. "You may not live as long as you had hoped, but you will live Roger. You're stronger than April and you're luckier." Roger shook his head in amazement and anger, "Lucky? Fuck you."

"You are lucky." Collins said firmly ignoring Roger's profanities, "You aren't alone. Not like April. She had you…that was it. Her and her drugs. But you have more than that." He pointed towards Mark's room, "You have a best friend who will move heaven and earth to make you happy. What he just did…he'll help you through this…we all will. We'll help you kick the habit…" Roger scowled and dropped his head back to his pillow.

"Fine. Wallow. You earned the right." Collins pulled out his bottle of AZT and dropped a pill on Roger's bed, "Take it." He left the room and reattached the door quietly.

_I never said thank you for that_

_Now I'll never have a chance_

A few minutes later, Roger glanced over at his sock draw. Inside lay a few dozen bags of pure heroin just waiting for him. Slowly, he walked over to it and pulled out the bags one by one. His fingers pet the bags as if they were a lover, but he stopped suddenly shaking his head. Roger opened the window and tossed them onto the streets of New York. He slammed the window closed and picked up the pill Collins had left him. After a few second of just memorizing the pill's shape and color he swallowed it without a drink.

_May angels lead you in _

_Hear you me my friends_

_On sleepless roads the sleepless go_

_May Angels lead you in_

Roger fixed himself a bowl of cereal grinning when he heard Collins and Angel running up the stairs. Heavy boots and light platforms. Mark was on their heels, no doubt, taping the couple as they came. The door of the loft opened and Mark backed in his camera pointed on Angel who was batting her eyelashes. Roger grinned to himself. He knew his friends too well.

"I'm ready for my close up Mr. Cohen!" She called out posing for him. Collins chuckled and sat down next to Roger taking the box of cereal and pouring himself a bowl.

"How's Mimi?" Collins asked taking a spoon for his cereal. Roger grinned, they had been together for six unforgettable months. He never thought that he would manage to date again. Not after April. But Mimi changed him that night more ways than one.

"She's good. At work. She'll be back in a few hours…" Roger grabbed a straw and sucked up the left over milk in the bowl. Collins grinned, "Good."

"Markie!" Angel rushed into Mark's arms hugging him. Mark was taken aback-confused bit found himself patting the drag queen's back. He held out his camera so it wouldn't be crushed between their bodies.

"I love you, Mark!" Angel chirped squeezing him tightly. Mark gulped and continued to pat her back, "Uh…I love you too, Angel. Can I breathe now?" Angel just giggled, "Of course silly." She let go of him and rewrapped his scarf around his neck.

Roger raised his eyebrow, "Is there a reason for that wonderful mood?" Not that Angel was often in a bad mood. He'd heard of theoretical PMS days from Mimi but he was pretty sure that they weren't common occurrences. After all Angel didn't often declare her love for her friends…not with that much vigor at least.

Collins smiled deeply and said simply, "Good sex." Roger groaned throwing his bowl into the sink, "Oh…God I do not want to hear about your sex life!" Collins just laughed in turn.

"I do!" Angel called out climbing onto Collins' lap, "Tell me _all_ about it." Collins chuckled his hands resting on her hips, "Baby, I'm pretty sure you were there." Angel shrugged wrapping her arms around Collins' neck, "I know but I would like a replay." She bit her bottom lip looking up at Collins seductively.

"Well it started like this…" Collins started to kiss Angel's neck, her eyes automatically rolling back into her head.

"I'm leaving!" Roger and Mark said at the same time. They loved Collins and Angel. But they didn't really want a free show.

Collins and Angel's laughter echoed through the loft.

"I love you Collins." "I love you too Angel." Roger closed his door behind him, giving his friends some privacy. He didn't notice Angel beginning to cough.

_And if you with me tonight _

_I'd sing for you just one more time_

Collins was sitting by the window watching the rainfall. He didn't even flinch when Roger came in with some of Mimi's luggage in his hands. They had just finished packing up her apartment and they were starting to bring the numerous bags up to the loft. After Christmas Eve Roger wanted to spend as much time as he could with Mimi before it was too late. He knew that she didn't have much time left…but he would hold onto that time as long as he could.

"Collins?" Roger called out to him. The older man seemed to be in a trance. Roger walked over to him and put his hand on his shoulder gently, "Hey…"  
Collins jumped slightly and looked up at Roger, "Oh Rog…sorry I was spaced out." He looked back into the rain his eyes filled with a few tears. Roger backed away slowly knowing what he was thinking about. Angel had sent Mimi back. Roger and Mimi had a second chance. But he and Angel had never got that chance. Roger knew Collins didn't hold it against Mimi at all, he was just happy to see her alive. Yet the pain of Angel's death was in no way fading, even after three months.  
"Col…" Roger started shifting his feet, "Collins if you need anything just let me know…" It was the least he could do after all. Collins had always been there for him, perhaps it was time for a role reversal. He nodded and Roger started to walk towards the bags when Collins whispered, "Could you sing to me?"  
Roger turned around a frown on his face.

"I just…always loved to hear you play." Collins explained with a slight smile. Roger went straight for his guitar and sat down in front of his oldest friend. He didn't even bother to tune the guitar, he just started to sing the first song that popped into his head. A soft ballad. Roger saw Mimi and Mark enter the room from the corner of his eye, but he showed no indication that he did. They stood there in silence while Roger sang soulfully, his eyes closing.

_A song for a heart so big_

_God wouldn't let it live_

Roger sat by Collins' hospital bed with Mark and Benny standing on the side. The girls had wandered off to get some coffee for the group, Joanne guiding Maureen out of the room who couldn't seem to hold back her tears. Mimi followed the two of them kissing Collins' cheek before she left. The big strong black man that Roger had first met that day in Central Park had faded. What he left behind was an underweight man whose skin color was turning more gray with every moment.

"Lord, guys you look horrible." Collins said his voice raspy, "Worse than me even…you look like someone kicked your puppy. Sorry for the reference Benny." He chuckled to himself not willing to give in to the seriousness of the situation. A few coughs erupted from his chest. Mark rushed for the glass of water on the nightstand but Collins waved him off.

"I'm fine, Mark, I'm fine. I get to see her soon…I'm fine." Collins sighed and looked around at the men in the room. Mark leaned against the wall again looking down at his shoes. Benny just stared at Collins, probably wondering why he waited so long to make up with the group. Roger slipped his hand into Collins' weak fingers, which made him smile.

"I love you guys…you know that right? And I love the girls too…tell them that." Collins whispered. Mark frowned standing up straight, "They'll be right back, you can tell them when they come in." Collins just smiled lightly, "Tell them…would you Roger?" Roger looked down at him tears starting to flow out of his eyes. Because their hands were intertwined he felt Collins' pulse weakening.

"Of course…" Roger managed to say. A knot in his chest tightening.

Collins smiled warmly, "There's my hot dog boy." His eyelids dropped slowly.

"Collins…" Roger started to say his voice cracking, "I love you." He whispered to his friend, but he never knew if he heard him.

_May Angels lead you in_

_Hear you me my friends_

_On sleepless roads the sleepless go_

_May Angel lead you in_

The last chord of the song echoed through the church. Roger breathed out and wiped away the tears on his face with the back of his hand. He nodded to himself and walked down to the pews. Mimi took his hands when he sat down beside her.

"He would have loved it." Roger looked into Mimi's eyes and he knew it was the truth. Collins loved everyone and everything they created.

"Yeah…he would have."


End file.
